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Thursday, 4 June 2020

Mama Roy's Bitter Half

The same day baba Roy and mama Roy and their 3 year old son Roy moved into our plot, and occupied the only vacant single room next to the gate, he beat her. It was around 9PM, just when Citizen TV's Yvonne Okwara was reading out the news headlines. Five more people had tested positive for the COVID-19 bringing the Country’s total tally to 17. We didn’t hear the rest of what Okwara was saying because of the commotion outside. Mama Roy was wailing loudly as a jab after a jab landed squarely on her face. She had tried to run away but baba Roy had pinned her down near the metallic gate.

We all came outside and watched, not knowing what to do. It was the caretaker who approached them and tried pulling baba Roy away. The caretaker lived in the last room if you start counting from the gate. The houses were all “face me I face you” single rooms made of iron sheets and formed two rows such that they faced each other. Each row had 6 doors. At the far end, there were two pit latrines and two bathrooms to be shared by all. It was only the caretaker who had interacted with the new tenants when they moved in. The rest of us had not talked to them. By the time they finished moving in, it was already 7.30PM and all of us were inside our respective houses.

When the caretaker managed to pull baba Roy away from mama Roy, she got up, picked the first stone she saw and hurled it towards baba Roy with all the energy she could marshall. Baba Roy dodged the stone and it hit the only bulb which was providing security light in the compound. The bulb, which was hung outside their room, shuttered into tiny pieces. The darkness hampered our view. Some people switched on their phone’s torches but it seems after the lights going off, there was not so much to see. The fight kind of just ended and  what we could hear were just abuses which mama Roy showered on Baba Roy. Many people went back to their houses to catch up with the remainder of the 9 o’clock news bulletin. The few who had television sets. Those of us who remained outside to witness the end of the  fight saw baba Roy getting inside their house and mama Roy stood outside and hurled last minute insults before joining her husband inside.

A few minutes later, just when we were beginning to enjoy the calm that ensued after the incident, we all heard loud laughters emanating from baba Roy and Mama Roy's house. They were giggling and laughing out so loud that we could all not concentrate on what we were doing. We could hear them teasing and making fun of each other. It was so bizarre to an extent that it was even funny. They were also frying ‘omena.’ The “cheeeeeee” sound of raw onema being dipped into hot oil defeaned our ears and the aroma which followed that cooking wafted through the rafters and suffocated our noses. Long after the cooking was over, the aroma of deep fried omena lingered around the compound like a stubborn, jilted lover.

Our sleep was again interrupted by sounds of three people talking loudly and making several trips to and from the toilet. It was Baba Roy, Mama Roy and Roy. From what we could decipher from the conversations going on outside, the first midnight trip to the toilet was because Roy wanted to relieve himself, so his father had taken him to the toilet. The second trip, barely ten minutes after the first one, was because Mama Roy had developed some running stomach, but because she was afraid to go to the toilet alone, Baba Roy had escorted her. We could hear her say she suspects the 'omena' she ate had too much oil and that her stomach is sensitive to oily foods. Or something like that. We could not hear every word. The third trip came twenty minutes after the second one. It was Baba Roy alone. Before he reached the toilet, he turned back and walked towards the house. We could hear him cursing. He had forgotten to take tissue paper. When he reached the house, we could hear him calling mama Roy a terrible cook. It seems he had developed a running stomach as well. Mama Roy said that she did not force him to eat. This reply angered Baba Roy and he surprised her with a terrifying slap on her cheek. Or maybe she was not surprised at all. This is because she did not retaliate. Baba Roy trekked again towards the toilet, this time with a tissue paper, we guessed. After a few minutes, we heard his footsteps. He was walking back to the house. Then he heard him locking the house.

A short time had elapsed when we were woken up, again, with wailing sounds from mama Roy. This time it seemed baby Roy was giving her another kind of beating. Unlike the first time when she wailed loudly so that we could all hear and come to her rescue, this time she struggled to suppress the cries from escaping her mouth. She clearly did not need some help. Pleadings of “Baba Roy utaniua”, “Imetosha” “Aaaaaaggrr”, “ Mungu wangu” went unheeded by baba Roy as he heaved and signed as he fought relentlessly. This fight went on for quite some time, driving away all the remnants of sleep in our heavy eyes. It was only after they went dead silent that sleep returned to transport us to slumber land.

The next day, he beat her also. And the day after that. He would come from work at around 8PM and the beatings would start around 9PM. Ever since they moved in here, we have never enjoyed the 9 o'clock news in peace.  He worked as a supervisor in a cement company in Athi River. She had no Job. She was just a house wife. Though sometimes she would dress well, apply make up and leave the house after her husband has left. She would be brought back by a Boda Boda guy just before her husband arrives from work. The days she does that, she usually gets double beatings.

A week after they moved in in our plot, the president announced a 7PM to 5AM curfew. This forced baba Roy to come back to the house a little bit earlier than usual. He would arrive at around 6.50PM. During the curfew, the beatings started much earlier. At around 8PM. This was a relief for us because by 9PM, they had finished the first part of their daily fights and we could enjoy the 9 o'clock news bulletin  in peace. However, the only bad thing about this was that the second leg of their daily fights commenced earlier than usual, much to our disadvantage. The fight would start when majority  of us had not gone to bed. Those with grown up children were worst hit.

One Friday evening, at around 7.03PM, Baba Roy entered the compound with his torn shirt drenched in blood. He was bleeding from the head and his Jaws were swollen, making him look like he was just about to swallow a pregnant toad. He was furiously cursing and calling the police abominable names. Apparently, the police had used his frail body as a punching bag while reminding him that the curfew was still in place. They had clobbered him like a thief. Never mind that he was just 2 minutes late. That evening, he beat his wife like he has never done before. As if she was the one who instructed the police to clobber him. He poured all his frustrations on her with kicks and blows meted with precision to inflict maximum pain. After that award winning beating, he slumped on his rickety chair and waited for the usual insults but they never came. She had lost her voice, and her limbs were broken. Every part of her was paining. That night, he never meted out the second beating, much to his disappointment. And how Roy manages to sleep soundly amidst all these chaos defeats logic. He is a heavy sleeper, that one.

If there is a phrase that mama Roy does not tire to use is this; “You useless man, I am leaving you today. And I will never, ever come back.” She uses it like a million times every evening. Sometimes she even ties her luggage together and makes to leave, but for some reasons best known to herself, she never goes past the gate. One night, she made her threat come true by actually opening the gate and storming outside with such a determined mind of never ever coming back, only for us to be awoken in the tail end of the night by her screams of “Aaaaaah, eeeeeh, unaniua, unaniua, haki ya ngai, nakupenda baba Roy…” She might have sneaked back at dawn so as not to miss her nocturnal beatings, and Baba Roy, ever ready to beat the hell out of her, did not disappoint. Or maybe she met mean-looking policeman armed with “Rungus” and live bullets maintaining the curfew orders and she chose to be beaten by Baba Roy instead of becoming another statistic of those felled by police in the name of keeping Coronavirus away.
Nowadays, when baba Roy and Mama Roy fight, we don’t interfere. We don’t even sympathize with them however gory the fight may be. Theirs has become a normal. A child play kind of fight. We just wish that this COVID-19 pandemic could be over so that the curfew can be uplifted. Even better, we wish Baba Roy and Mama Roy could just move out of our plot so that we can live in peace again. The constant fights is sending a bad message to the young children growing up here. We are already dealing with a strange disease which has not only shut down the economy but is also threatening to claim more lives. It has already taken 14 lives so far. We don’t want to deal, at the same time, with the stress that comes with baba Roy and Mama Roy's unending drama. And for those who are looking to do a research on Coronavirus pandemic's impact on domestic violence, they should look no further than baba Roy and Mama Roy.

(Image source: Facebook)

Saturday, 5 January 2019

An Application letter (for the post of a husband)

Jackson Ouma Agwanda,
P.O.Box, 35556
Ugunja.

October 24th, 1982

Agnes Adhiambo,
P.0.Box 112233,
Sondu.

RE: Application for the post of your husband

Good morning. How are you doing today? I hope this letter finds you in perfectly good health. If you care to know how I am doing, I would not hesitate to inform you straight away that I am not doing well. I am sick. I contracted this disease of the heart that torments all who have reached marriageable age.

This illness going by the name love has given me sleepless nights. It started the day I first saw you in Kibuye market in Kisumu town. Since then, I have not been able to sleep and eat well. I have not been able to erase your image from the canvas of my heart. I think about you all the time. I think about your round, white, dreamy eyes. I think about your long, fleshy legs. I think about your hard breasts. I think about your mouth and the shape of your nose. I think about your buttocks the whole night. Sometimes, I am lost in deep thoughts of you that I pay little or no attention to those around me.

Sometimes I find myself wondering on a lonely path, like a lost sheep, with my head full of imaginations. I imagine that we are taking a romantic stroll towards the river bank while holding hands. I imagine that we are lost in the woods, playing hide and seek. I imagine that you are giving me a tight hug. I close my eyes and imagine that you are kissing me and I find myself smiling, albeit sheepishly. People who meet with me along the way look at me strangely. They have started calling me a madman. They say,”Wuod Agwanda cha to chal ni wiye olokre. Onyiero to awuoyo kende.” (Seems the son of Agwanda is going mad. He laughs and speaks to himself.)

Agnes, I am sick and I know you are my medicine. It is for this reason that I am writing this letter to apply for the post of your husband. Marry me so that I can heal. Be my wife so that I can put a stop to all these hallucinations. Be my wife so that I can stop wetting my bed sheet every night. Be my wife so that I can become normal again. I want to be the father of your children.

Aggy, I know you must be having a thousand or more suitors. But I am confident in myself that I deserve to be the one to marry you. I am a hardworking man. I wake up early in the morning and once I lift up that hoe, I only put it down when it is mid-day. I will provide for you and no any day will you and our children sleep hungry. I will build a good shelter for us and none of our children and livestock will sleep in the cold.

I have a strong, healthy body. I will hold you in my arms and give you warmth. I caress you and make sure that you are ripe all the time. Also, I am well endowed. I have a long manhood which will ensure your sexual satisfaction is maintained at an optimum level. When you have me as your husband, you will not even bother to look at other men because you will know that there’s nothing more than they can offer you.

I will protect you all the time. No man or animal shall harm you. I promise to be there for you. When you are sick and when you are healthy. When you are moody and when you are jubilant.  When you are going and when you are coming back. When things look up and when all hopes are gone. I promise to love you and only you.

If I were to write down all that I will do for you and for the sake of our love and marriage, I will require a million more foolscaps. So it is with lots of regrets that I will have to stop here.

Please find enclosed my curriculum vitae and other testimonials. Also, find a sum of Kshs 250. Use Kshs 100 to buy yourself something pretty and give Kshs 150 to your parents (soon to be in-laws). I am readily available for an interview at your convenient time and venue. I hope you will consider my application.

Thank you and much love.


Agwanda Ja-Ugenya.

(image credits: www.videoblocks.com)

Monday, 24 December 2018

A Boring Christmas


You are licking your oily fingers,
After munching a fat Chicken thigh,
I am watching Boring Christmas carol singers,
And I am high.

You are taking selfies in a plane,
Captioned,” Holiday Manenos,”
What I plan to do I cannot explain,
And where I will go only God knows.

You are having a good time with your family,
And you are receiving gifts from your friend,
I am broke and lonely,
Wondering when Christmas will end.

You are dancing in a night club and getting sweaty,
You say the party should not stop,
I am already thinking of 2020,
If at all an album I will drop.

If I sell a few copies that year,
And enjoy a little bit of fame,
Then I will cheer,
And sing of a Jesus born in Bethlehem.
(image:www.deskgram.com)

Monday, 17 December 2018

Nelson My Husband

Nelson my husband has rather big buttocks,
They look like those of a woman,
And his voice is annoyingly smooth,
Like a girl singing a Christmas carol.
Nelson my husband snores,
At a time he is supposed to me riding me,
When I try to nudge him with my knees,
He twitches and turns to face the other side.
Nelson my husband calls me an immoral woman,
When I reach down to pull out his underused manhood,
He says Christians do not behave like that,
That sex is only for procreation and not for pleasure.
Nelson my husband has never seen me naked during the day,
He cannot identify my naked,headless body,
Because he does not create time to know it nor study it,
To know when it is starving and when it is satiated.
Nelson my husband cannot identify my scars,
He cannot identify my thighs,
He cannot identify my busts,
Nelson my husband cannot identify my vagina in a parade of vaginas.
(photo courtesy of www.atlantablackstar.com)

Tuesday, 13 November 2018

OPINION: It is time for youths to work two jobs. Tragedy is that they don’t even have one


My neighbour and a close family friend works as a branch manager for a Bank. A good job. Lucrative even. It pays well. A salary of over One Hundred Thousand per month can only be a dream come true for many people, if not all. To supplement her already good income, she has a side hustle. She buys raw groundnuts (G-nuts) from the market, fries them and then sells them in small packages each going for Kshs 50. Most of her customers are the Bank employees who find her G-nuts a perfect accompaniment during tea break.

“You have a well-paying job. Why do you trouble yourself with this G-nuts business? It does not even give you much, does it?” I asked her one evening when we were having one of our regular fellowship time. We were discussing the importance of work from a Biblical perspective. And should I mention that we were enjoying some hot coffee with G-nuts? Her G-nuts?

She does not get huge profits from her G-nuts business but at least she gets something small. That is what she said. She continued to add that this time we are living in, one cannot rely on one job only. There are just too many obligations to be met. After tax and other deductions (NSSF, NHIF,PAYE, et cetera), one has to pay rent. Pay electricity and water bills. Pay garbage collection fee. Take care of one’s sibling’s school fees. Pay one’s children’s school fees. Pay tithe. Send money home. Contribute towards Church Harambee, Contribute to Chama. Pay back loans (Mortgage, car loan, M-shwari loan, KCB-Mshwari loan, HELB loan, Chama loan, TALA loan, et cetera). Contribute towards a friend’s wedding. Go to the salon. Stock a month’s supply of food. Take care of transport for the whole month. Airtime. Internet Data. Service the car. Fuel. Charity work. Send money home (again) towards development projects and many more.

In short. It is not enough. And that is why she has to work two jobs. It is true. Time is nigh for youths to work two jobs to make ends meet. If we, youths, have to break the financial ceiling, we have to think along working two jobs. Or else we shall get stuck in single rooms and bed-sitters. We shall postpone getting married. We shall forget about visiting our parents back at home. Nor send them money. We shall continue to shun pregnancies we are responsible for. We shall continue to hide from our debtors. We shall continue to wallow in depression. We shall do drugs and get into criminal activities.

In “successful” countries like America, working two jobs is the norm. It is not their choice to burden themselves with two or more jobs. It is just the direction the world is taking and the earlier we catch up the better. Tragedy is that in a country like ours, majority of youths do not have even one job. Official statistics from Kenya National Bureau of statistics (KNBS) March 2018 survey estimates that a whopping 7 Million Kenyans are unemployed.

If a person earning more than Kshs 100,000 needs a side hustle to barely stay afloat in this economy, how about a person earning less than Kshs 50,000? And how worse can it get for someone who does not have a job?  How can someone who does not have a job survive in a system or economy which runs on two jobs per individual? This is why the government needs to take the issue of youth unemployed very seriously. If it were possible, all government and non-governmental projects should be stopped and all energy and resources directed towards creating jobs for the youths and/or supporting them to start their own businesses. A government which truly cares for its future should put the interest of its youths in the forefront and nothing else. No other way around it.
(idle youths courtesy of www.nation.co.ke)

Saturday, 20 October 2018

Lessons We Can Learn About Childlessness From MacGoye's novel," Coming To Birth."

I came across a sad story published in The Standard on Friday 19th October 2018. Titled," In-laws kick out childless widow after husband dies," the story narrates the plight of Josephine Achieng, a widow whose house was demolished by her in-laws for allegedly failing to bear a child. Achieng, as the story goes, had only stayed with her husband for three years before he died. In those three years, they had not gotten a child but they were not worried as they believed children come from God and they would be blessed with one in God's own time.

Despite the stride we have made in the field of science, literature (feminism) and religion, childlessness still remains a thorny issue. It becomes worse in a society like ours that still puts heavy burden on women who are taking too long to bear children. The consequences of this pressure to bear children have ranged from suicide, depression to infidelity and such cases of women being disowned by their relatives like that one of Achieng.

While reading the story of Achieng, I could not help but think of Paulina Akeyo, the protagonist character in the novel,"Coming to Birth" by Marjorie Oludhe McGoye. Paulina was only sixteen years old when she got married to Martin Were who was twenty three. The two got married in 1956. The same year, Paulina become pregnant. She would later suffer a miscarriage after relocating to Nairobi with Martin.

Paulina suffered many miscarriages and whenever she travelled home, her in-laws were greatly disappointing in her. This state of childlessness caused a lot of trouble in Martin's family. The in-laws put a lot of pressure on them. This drove Paulina to move away from home and Martin to start seeing another woman. One day, Paulina visited Martin and found him with Fatima (the woman he was seeing). When Paulina introduced herself, Fatima asked her," And you are the mother of who?" This infuriated Paulina.

In 1961,five years later, Paulina was still childless. Martin's sisters  even suggested she gets pregnant with another man but she was reluctant. While Martin went as far as removing his wedding ring, Paulina never thought of cheating. In fact, she preoccupied herself with studies at the homecraft school.

In 1965, nine years into her childless marriage, Paulina succumbed to temptation and cheated on Martin with a man named Simon. She got a son and named him Martin. During a protest in Kisumu against President Kenyatta, Martin died from a gunshot wound. This loss awaken Paulina's senses and she travelled back to Nairobi to re-unite with Martin.

The story of Martin Were and Paulina Akeyo ends on a positive note when Paulina notices that she is pregnant. This novel teaches us a lot of important lessons on childlessness. One lesson we can learn is that the night maybe long and dark but joy comes in the morning. It might take five, ten or even twenty years but in the end, a child or even children may come.

Another lesson we can learn is that infidelity is not the solution to childlessness. Martin cheated on Paulina with Fatima and Fatima's younger sister Fauzia but both did not give him a child. The son that Paulina got out of wedlock died.

The third lesson we can learn from this novel is that we can choose to make the most out of an ugly situation. Paulina took advantage of her childlessness to go to school and improve her craft. She became self-reliant when she started her own business. She also learnt some English and even became a team leader who taught other women in the village.

(Image/thebodyisnotanapology.com)

Tuesday, 25 September 2018

The Story of Abubakar


Once upon a time,
When being a Muslim was highly considered a crime,
There lived in a small estate in Dakar,
A young man by the name Abubakar.

He was jobless,
But he was lucky to marry a hardworking princess,
She set up a small Arabian tea restaurant,
There, Abubakar would sit the whole day chewing Khat.

He had a beautiful daughter,
Whom he named Rhoda,
He wished he could afford to take her to an academy,
But poverty seemed to be his worst enemy.

One day his step-brother came up with an idea,
That would make them Millionaire,
Their goal,
Was to get out of Senegal.

He proposed selling the old family car,
And use the money to join their Uncle in America,
Once the old jalopy was bought,
They busied themselves acquiring passport.

Abubakar was sad to leave his young family behind,
But the prospect of becoming rich in America clouded his mind,
In America, their Uncle assured them of Hundreds of Dollars,
If only they could blow themselves up in a crowded Shopping mall in Dallas.

That the money will be wired to their families back at home,
Once they have detonated the Bomb,
There was great fear in Abubakar’s eyes,
But his step-brother convinced him otherwise.

By the time the news of Dallas terrorist attack broke,
Abubakar could only hope,
That Rhoda can afford Academy fee,
And his wife has stopped selling Arabian tea.

(image/www.ourehtiopia.tumblr.com)