A waste of sin

Small, small money steal not,

If you must steal then steal huge amount,

So that when you are taken before the court,

You can bail yourself out.

Petty, Petty lies do not tell,

If you must lie then tell gigantic lies,

So that when you find yourself in hell,

It will not come as a surprise.

Underage girls leave alone,

If you must rape then go for mature asses,

Why leave huge chunks of meat and go for a dry bone?

Give the devil a good reason to give you lashes.

A few people do not kill,

It is pointless to give the devil a flirter,

If you must kill, then a Million people is a better deal,

Justify why you will be charged for murder.

 What a waste of sin will it be,

To burn eternally in hell fire,

For committing half-baked sins?

(image/www.youtube.com)

Documentation

Are you sure you were born?

Yes, I am very much sure. Isn’t my existing a proof enough?

No, that is not convincing. Where is your birth certificate?

Here it is sir,

Your certificate indicates you were born in Eldoret, are you a Kenyan?

Is that certificate not a proof enough?

No. It isn’t. Show me your Identification card.

Here it is sir.

Where are you headed to?

I’m headed across the borders,

Where is your passport?

Here it is sir,

And where is your visa?

Here it is sir,

Do you have a yellow fever card?

Yes sir. Here it is.

And are you suffering from any other disease that we should know of?

No. I am clean,

Can I see your clinic card?

Here it is sir.

What takes you across the borders?

Work sir,

Show me your work permit,

Here it is sir,

What kind of work exactly?

Programming.

Are you an engineer?

Yes sir,

Did you go to University?

Yes sir,

Which course did you take?

Computer engineering,

Can I see your degree certificate?

Sure. Here it is sir,

Your KCSE certificate?

Here it is sir,

Your KCPE certificate?

If I have KCSE certificate, is KCPE certificate very relevant?

Do you have it or not?

I have it. Give me a moment…Here it is sir.

And by which means are you planning to cross the borders?

By bus sir,

Where is your ticket?

Here it is sir,

Your bus ticket indicates you did not pay in cash,

Right, I paid through M-pesa,

Can I see the transaction code?

Here it is sir.

And what is that you are wearing on your head?

This is called head phone,

Is it yours?

Yes, sir,

It looks new. Did you buy it today?

Yes sir. Just a few hours ago,

From which shop?

Nakumatt supermarket,

Do you have a receipt to prove your claim?

Yes sir. Here it is sir,

And how does it work?

You connect it to a phone or a laptop,

Have you connected it to a phone?

No,

A laptop?

Yes.

Can I see the laptop?

Sure,

Is this laptop yours?

Yes,

Did you buy it too?

Yes sir, a year ago,

Do you have the receipt?

Yes,

And the serial number?

Yes sir.

When will you be back?

My contract ends after two years,

Can I see the contract?

No,

You are under arrest?

What crime have I committed?

Concealing vital information from the state?

Contracts are personal, between an employee and his or her employer,

But the state is above the two,

I agree,

Now can I see your contract?

Okay.

This contract indicates that you will be paid in Dollars,

Correct,

And the money directly deposited into your Bank account,

Yes sir,

Which bank is this?

KCB,

Do you have the bank account?

Here it is sir,

And do you have the ATM card for this particular account?

Yes sir,

May I have it?

Here it is sir,

Do you have the PIN?

Yes sir,

What is the PIN?

7568,

Are you sure?

Yes Sir,

You may now go to the next counter,

Thank you sir!

(image/www.onthegotours.com)

Half-truths From The Countryside

You remember the football field in the neigbouring Kobura village?

It is now a County farm,

The County government turned it into a sorghum farm,

People say the sorghum will be harvested and used as raw material for the upcoming brewery.

Atieno, former sub-chief’s daughter who used to work in an Mpesa shop,

Yes, the one who turned down Ogwada’s marriage proposal,

You remember Ogwada, the principal of Ober secondary school, right?

Imagine she is now in America,

Her uncle came and went back with her to America,

We hear she is now married to a white man.

River Awelo does not flow anymore,

It was diverted to irrigate a private rice farm,

Rumour has it that the owner of the rice farm is well connected with big people in the government,

Nowadays we get water from Oluoko’s borehole.

And oh, the new tall building coming up in the shopping Centre,

It belongs to Rabet, the former electoral commissioner,

People say he is putting up that building from the proceeds of corruption,

That that is the reason why he resigned.

You remember Ochola?

The man who used to sell mattresses in the market?

He was caught red handed with Odhiambo’s wife in a hotel room,

He ran away from the angry mob who wanted to lynch him,

No one knows where he is.

And Ogola, the motorbike thief, is now a mad man,

He touched the wrong button when he stole Jaduong’ Oloo’s motorbike,

Rumour has it that Jaduong’ Oloo sourced for the services of a witchdoctor from Luanda,

Ogola nowadays walk around the village stark naked.

Adhis, the wife of Pastor Abila, delivered twins,

Imagine, after eleven years of childless marriage,

Those who used to mock her “barrenness” are now hiding their faces in shame,

However, people say that the twins do not belong to Pastor Abila,

That they look a lot more like Okello, the secretary of the church council.

Jaduong’ Rasungu died,

We buried him last Saturday,

He succumbed to prostate cancer,

He left behind his three wives, nine children and three grandchildren.

(image/www.billtrips.com)

A lunch-time text to wife

Hello dear,

What have you had for lunch?

It is very boring here,

There is nothing inviting to munch.

Actually, there are some Chicken thighs,

Some orange juice and a few crunchy bite,

But when I think of your sexy eyes,

I lose appetite.

I am staring at your picture,

The one you are wearing a non-padded bra and a white hot pant,

How I like that mixture,

It fuels my want.

Allow me to guess the pant you are wearing,

Is it the red one with a net-like lace?

The one you wore the day I gave you the wedding ring?

I remember how that night you gave me the “fuck-me” face.

No, it must be the black thong,

Or is it the stripped one?

Oh, tell me if I am wrong,

You are wearing none.

Do you know what is happening?

Instead of eating,

My groin area is stiffening,

In this state, how am I supposed to attend a staff meeting?

Honey,

I can’t wait to feel your warmth,

I will leave the office early,

Because tonight, the South must meet the North.

(image/www.telegraph.co.uk)

Ajara: A Short Story

An Impromptu Visit

Good evening,

My name is Jackson Omollo,

My colleague’s name is Grace Mwende,

We are form the Christian Union association,

We are doing door to door evangelism,

We request you to give us a few minutes to share with you the gospel of Jesus Christ,

We hope we shall not take much of your time.

In the book of First Corinthians, Chapter 6 verse nine,

The Bible tells us, and I quote,

“Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the Kingdom of God?

Do not be deceived.

Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers,

Nor homosexuals, nor Sodomites, nor thieves,

Nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers,

Nor extortioners will inherit the Kingdom of God.”

My brother,

I can see you are enjoying a romantic time with your girlfriend,

I can see you guys are enjoying a drink of Napoleon brandy,

I can even see packets of condoms and cigarettes,

And the movie you are watching is not a Christian movie,

But do you know that all these things you are doing are in vain?

Apostle Paul tells the Corinthians that the unrighteous will not inherit the Kingdom of God,

I am not Apostle Paul but I tell you, my brother and my sister, that unless you turn from your ungodly ways, you will not see the Kingdom of God.

The good news is that you still have the chance to repent and accept Jesus Christ as your savior,

The things of this world are like passing wind,

Do not indulge in the desires of this world,

Do not let worldly things to choke the good and true word of our Lord Jesus Christ,

In the book of Mark, Chapter 4, verse 18,

Jesus talks of the parable of the sower,

Mwende, would you read for us the verse, from 18 to 19?

Mmmh, verse 18,

“Now these are the ones sown among thorns;

They are the ones who hear the word,

Verse 19,

“And the cares of this world,

The deceitfulness of riches,

And the desires of other things entering in and choke the word,

And it becomes unfruitful.”

Thank you Mwende,

Now, my brother and my sister,

You have heard the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ,

Who would like to get saved?

Who would like to receive Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior right now?

Carry up your hand we make a prayer of salvation,

Anyone?

No one?

Okay, maybe next time.

Thank you for your time.

(image/www.ucg.org)

Intimacy Agreement Form

An agreement is hereby made between you (an adult female) and me (an adult male) to engage in a sexual act on Friday, 13th February 2020 from 11PM to 6AM.This agreement is binding to both parties and is made in the presence of a lawyer and one witness. By signing this agreement, you agree to abide by the conditions and you do realize;

That you will travel to my place using your own means of transport and in the morning I have the liberty to provide for you a means of transport back to your place. This can come in form of bus fare or taxi fare and the amount is entirely up to me to decide.

That you will not change your mind once you are inside my house and if you do so I have the right to vent my anger in form of insults and even chasing you from my house without providing for you any means of transport.

That you are agreeing to surrender your body wholly to me during the entire period of the time stipulated above and the Christian definition of a body as a house of God will not hold, at least for that period.

That you will get completely naked in front of me and allow me to enter you by any means that we shall agree befitting for humans as far as human copulation is concerned.

That we shall have intermittent breaks to allow us regain our strengths.

That you have the right to stop me if I attempt something that you are not comfortable with or when you feel you are hurting or you are bored, or both.

That you are not my wife and therefore the act will be classified under “fornication.”

That the act itself is sinful and in case any form of punishment will come from God, everyone will carry his or her own cross.

That there will be no photos or video recording during the entire period of the copulation and in case of a secret audio/visual recording device, the recorded content shall be deleted and not used for blackmail, extortion or any other malicious act.

That in case there will be no protection used during the coitus, then there will be a possibility of sexually transmitted diseases/infections being passed from one party to another. These infections include but not limited to Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and H.I.V/AIDS etc.

That the act may make you pregnant and if that does happen, then it will not be used as a trap to get me into paying child support or any other support that you may come up with before, during and after the delivery of the child.

                  

That the sexual union shall be purely a one-off  “sweet exercise” aimed to satisfy canal desires of the parties involved and therefore it should NEVER be used as a reason to claim ownership and/or advance any other form of relationship between us.

That you are responsible for your own pleasure and in the event that you do not reach climax, I shall not be held liable.

That you vow to keep the sexual act a secret only known to you and me and NO other third party (apart from the lawyer and one witness named above) will be informed.

That if you breach any part or whole of this agreement then you are liable to a jail term of three years or a fine of Kshs 170,000 or both.    

(photo/www.pinterest.com)                      

Welcome Back

My son,

Welcome back to Siaya,

You have been away in the city for too long,

Welcome home,

Enjoy some “Nyuka kod Rabuon.”

We hope you still love fermented porridge and sweet potatoes.

Welcome to Siaya,

We have picked some of the juiciest mangoes for you,

We have prepared some chicken stew,

Feel free and have your fill,

We also have some thick tea for you,

You will take it after your meal.

My son,

I know it has been rough for you out there.

And that is why you have been postponing your visit,

But we really do not care what you bring for us,

Do not feel ashamed that you have come back empty handed,

We know that you will do for us great things when you succeed out there.

What we care about right now is life,

And the joy of seeing you again,

The joy of seeing you healthy,

Let us laugh and share stories,

Tell us celebrate life.

My son,

“We witowa kamano,”

Do not throw us away like that,

Do not forget us while you are out there,

Do give us a call once in a while,

Do let us know the challenges you are going through,

Do visit us more often,

This is your home,

Welcome to Siaya.

Tomorrow,

Your father will take you for a walk around the farms,

He will show you some of the crops we are growing this rainy season,

He will also walk you around the homestead,

To show you what we have been up to,

Plus some other finished and on-going projects here and there,

Later in the week,

You can go to Ugunja and pay your aunt a visit,

She has not seen you since you were in lower primary school,

You can also branch in Ng’iya and see your uncle,

He has been asking about you.

Next week,

You can go to Kogelo and see your grandparents,

They have never stopped asking when you will go and visit them,

Also, your elder sister in Sakwa has said you go see her,

Your cousin in Maseno really wants to see you,

And Jaduong’ Obiero’s daughter has been asking about you,

She is not really a bad girl,

Schedule to meet her before you go back to the city.

(image/www.softkenya.com)

Momentous

Grab,

Not by the pussy,

But by the collar

The opportunity,

To become a scholar.

Grab,

Not squatters’ land,

But the chance,

To command,

And be in control of the circumstance.

Grab,

Not the microphone

But their attention,

It might be your last attempt,

To impress the audience.

Grab,

Not everything,

But just enough,

Let others also get their share,

Because it is just fair.

Grab,

Not her ass,

But her hands,

Accompany her in life,

Do not let go.

(Photo/www.shutterstock.com)

Midnight Thoughts

The world is asleep,

The night is pitch black and dark,

Lovers have finished making love,

There are no stars in the sky above.

The world is asleep,
The king of the jungle has roared and every animal has gone into hiding,
Even crickets have postponed their wedding,
Mosquitoes are snoring with empty stomachs!

The world is asleep,
Unlucky thieves have joined their lucky partners in crime to sleep the rest of the night away,
Patients in hospital beds have gone into deep slumber,
They have,for a moment,forgotten about their pains,
Long distance truck drivers have parked their trucks by the unlit highway to catch a nap!

The world is asleep,
Night guards manning huge steel gates have slipped into the world of dreams,
I wake up at this time of the night when the world is dead,
I take my pen and write poems about young adolescent girls receiving their first menstrual blood,
Where in the morning they wake up with sensitive breasts and bloody bedsheets,
I do this before the world wakes up,
Before lovers start making love again!

(photo/www.gizmodo.com)

The Battle of the Underwear

It is Okelo who told me to go see his new smart phone,

He told me he left it charging in his 'simba' at their home,

That I can also use their electricity to charge my phone battery,

He said he will show me pictures of the city he saved on his photo gallery!

It is Okelo who told me to stay for a short while,

That he wants to show me how his phone can change a coloured photo to black and white,

He told me it is not late,

That I should not go,he still wants to show me how his phone can 'enter' internet.

It is Okelo who told me that he can teach me how to use a touch screen,

Okelo suggested that I move and sit closer to him on the bed and be keen,

He told me if I allow him to touch my body and taste,

Then he will also show me how his phone can copy and paste.

It is Okelo who told me how beautiful I look,

That if I made love to him he will register my name on Facebook,

I swallowed my pride and decided to tell Okelo the truth,

That I will let him make love to me only if he will also teach me how to transfer songs through bluetooth!

(photo/www.potentash.com)

Something Wet

It is 3 am, let’s not waste the rest of the night,

It is already too late to digress,

And your husband is going to quarrel you nonetheless,

So move closer and hold me tight.

It is 3 am, and the night is opaque,

It is the hour of the devil,

Do not pretend to be civil,

So let’s fuck for devil’s sake.

It is 3 am, switch off your phone,

Forget about your husband,

Look me in the eye and take my hand,

Let’s get a room before the break of dawn.

It is 3am, let’s not delay,

When the sun comes let it find something wet to dry,

It is too late to say goodbye,

My wife is going to start a fight anyway.

(Photo/www.unmitigatedword.wordpress.com)