Negotiations in Yimbo

Elders, the reason why I want to marry your daughter is because her breasts are not pointed sideways like of all the other women,

Hers are sharply pointed forward,

She is not particularly beautiful but she has beautiful particulars.

Elders, your daughter has muscled thighs that can carry pregnancy for even more than nine months,

She speaks too much and that is good for my quiet house,

Elders of Yimbo allow me to marry your daughter,

I will take good care of her,

I will wash her with thick ‘omena’ soup mixed with ‘obuolo.’

Elders, I am a good man of excellent reputation,

I drink less on weekdays but on weekends I swallow beer properly like a pregnant shark,

I am not a violent man,

I will only slap your daughter once in a while, for no apparent reason, just to remind her who is the head of the house,

Elders, did our forefathers not beat up their wives as a show of love?

Elders of Yimbo, let me take your daughter as my first wife,

I will treat her like a real ‘mikai’,

Even after I will marry my second and third wives, my love for her will not dwindle,

Because of her, and through her and with her I will uplift the face of this backward village,

The first ever aeroplane to visit Siaya will land in this village when we shall return, with glamour and pride, from America with her!

Yes, if you allow me, I will take your daughter to the land of Obama,

The dryness on her skin and the cracks on her feet will disappear just like the paw paw fruits disappeared in Alego,

I will oil her body with Aloe Vera and sew her rough kinky hair with horse’s tail till her hair will become smoother than Jaduong Jaramogi Oginga’s fly whisk!

Elders of Yimbo just nod your heads in agreement and I shall wash your shiny bald heads with’ busaa’ and ‘chang’aa’ for the father in law,

I already know he only takes that one,

Nod your heads elders of Yimbo and witness eight goats and eleven chickens being driven from my father’s home to here!

(image credits:globalpressjournal.com)