Disturbing Thoughts of a Night-shift Worker

God forbid,

That while I am working my ass off during a night-shift,

Someone grossly stupid,

Is sinking his shaft inside my wife’s mid-rift.

Harsh judgment be passed,

On him who consecrates my matrimonial bed,

Let his generation be cursed,

Long after he is dead.

(Image/www.stuartmcmillen.com)

I Shall Not Talk About Love

I shall not talk about love,

But I will say something about its consequence,

Imagine something you did not have,

Comes and all of a sudden takes over your common sense.

I shall not talk about love,

But I will say something about a broken heart,

It was once strong and hard,

But now it coils like a cornered thief facing the nozzle of a gun.

I shall not talk about love,

But I will say something about the eye that sees it,

As much as it shines bright with joy,

It is blind and cannot see deceit.

I shall not talk about love,

But I will talk about lack of it,

In its absence some go insane,

Some die and some things will never be the same.

I shall not talk about love,

But I will talk about its irony,

It is supposed to come and leave for free,

But it comes with huge bills and leaves with the fridge.

I shall not talk about love,

But I will whisper its secrets aloud,

It does not need conditions and its regrets will never bound.

I shall not talk about love,

But I will respect its strength,

Just a four lettered word,

But it is so magnificent.

Can’t talk, won’t talk about love,

But on it blames I will trade,

It is not supposed to discriminate,

But it does.

Can’t talk, won’t talk about love,

But I will try it anyway,

Because just like death,

It will catch up with you someday.

(image credits/oneandonly)

Let's eat them

We never trusted the law courts,

And so we took our machetes and slit our neighbour’s throats,

We became the judge,

And so we burnt them alive in Church,

As the yellow flame engulfed their bodies,

Their agonizing cries became, to our ears, sweet melodies,

Now their roasted flesh is dripping of fats,

Let’s wash our hands and put aside our hats,

Let’s eat them.

We forgot about what we had built together for so many seasons,

Instead, we attacked our neighbours with crude weapons,

We pulled them out of moving vehicles and divided them using tribal mark,

After be-heading them, we watched and danced as their body-less heads rolled on the hot tarmac,

We set their head-less bodies on fire,

And the mounds of their vaginas quenched our sexual desire,

Now the aroma of roasted meat has filled the air,

Let everyone pull a chair,

Let’s gather for a meal of “Nyama-choma,”

Let’s eat them.

Everyone is invited,

And the protocol should be respected,

Our political leaders should have the first taste,

And not a single limb should go to waste,

The hairs can make a good flying whisk for our elders,

The teeth can make necklaces and bangles to support our thriving fashion industry,

We can use the intestines to make Mutura while the bowel content can be mixed with urine to make Ojuri,

As for the roasted stake,

We can make do with a smoking hot white Ugali,

And an accompaniment of enough Kachumbari,

Instead of a prayer, we can sing the national anthem,

Before we eat them.

(photo/www.ngv.vic.gov.au)

A shallow comparison between Kenya’s Benga maestro Okatch Biggy and America’s rap legend Biggie Smalls.

Big-bodied

One striking similarity between Kenya’s controversial Benga maestro Okatch Biggy and America’s rap legend Notorious BIG is their big sizes. This earned them the nickname “Biggy” or “Biggie” which they adopted as their stage names. Okatch Biggy’s real name was Elekia Mathayo Okach while Biggie Smalls real name was Christopher George Latore Wallace.

Lewd lyrics

Whoever has listened to Notorious BIG a.k.a Biggie Smalls’s songs will agree with me that most of them contain lewd lyrics. The same can be said of Okatch Biggy’s songs. Both glorified big buttocks as is evidenced in their hit singles,” Can I get Witcha” by Biggie Smalls and “Helena Wang’e Dongo” by Okatch Biggy. In “Can I get witcha,” Biggie Smalls says,”…Why you wana get with me? Coz you got a big B.U.T.T…” while in “Helena Wang’e Dongo,” Okatch says “…Sianda madongo tinde aweyo…”

Both died in 1997

As fate would have it, both artists died in the same year; Biggie Smalls in March 1997 while Okatch Biggy in December 1997.

4 studio albums

Another similarity between Kenya’s benga maestro Okatch Biggy and America’s rap legend Biggie Smalls is that both produced four studio albums. Biggie Smalls’s “Ready to die” album was produced in 1994, “Life after death” in 1997 while “Born Again” and “Duets: the final chapter” were produced posthumously in 1999 and 2005 respectively. Okatch Biggy released four albums; Helena Wang’e Dongo (1992), Dorina (1992),  Nyathi Nyakach (1996) and Okelo Jabondo (1996).

Posthumous releases

Biggie Smalls had a number of his tracks released after he had died. “Hypnotize,” “More money more problems” and “ Sky is the limit” are just but a few examples. Okatch Biggy’s “Adhiambo Nyakobura” was released in 1998, a year later after his death.

(Image/www.nation.co.ke)

Waiting in purgatory

I am on my way to heaven or hell,

I would like to go to heaven though,

But right now it is not for me to decide,

I had all the time on earth to make a choice but I died before I could do that,

Now I am held up in purgatory, waiting for my fate,

Waiting for the final judgment,

Whether I will proceed to heaven, hell or back on earth.

I am waiting for God to have mercy on me, a sinner,

I am waiting for the devil to claim me as his rightful possession,

I am waiting for those who knew me on earth to pray for me,

So that I can escape the wrath of hell and instead proceed to heaven.

As I wait, with several others,

We see uncountable souls gliding past,

Some headed to hell while others headed to heaven,

We wish to be on the move but we can’t,

Our destinations have not been clearly spelt-out,

We are still in a limbo. Waiting.

Purgatory attendant tells us that God is still looking into our cases,

Together with the devil, they are reviewing our cases,

The final verdict may take a minute, a day, a thousand or even a million years,

We should therefore have a lot of patience.

The attendant tells us that we are in purgatory because we lived a fifty-fifty life,

While on earth, we were neither believers nor non-believers,

We did good and evil in equal measure,

We approached everything half-heartedly,

Not wholly submitting to God,

Not wholly submitting to the Devil,

Denying God and denying the devil,

Our case is a complex one,

It will take time.

(image/www.zookyworld.wordpress.com)

A dodgy-style kind of life

I cannot go down stairs,

Because I still have not paid for the pears,

That I took from the grocery shop,

So I will just chill indoors and watch movies non-stop.

I cannot call nor text John,

Because I still have not paid my Okoa loan,

Now he thinks I am ignoring him,

Because of the two thousand shillings that I owe him.

I cannot pass by Mama Akinyi’s Cereals store,

Because I still have not paid her what I owe,

She has been sending me bills,

After I took from her some green grams and beans.

I cannot have a peaceful sleep,

Knowing I have not given the landlord a bank-in slip,

How can I possibly have peace,

While everyday he threatens me with eviction notice?

Micro-finance institutions turn down my loan application form,

Because my name being listed on CRB has become the norm,

I even fear going near the altar,

Because I am a serial tithe defaulter.

I cannot borrow money from friends and family,

Because I have not paid the previous ones they lent me,

“WE OFFER LOAN ON ELECTRONIC ITEM,”

Oh how I wish I hadn’t sold my home-theatre system.

(image/Daniel Many)

Bush Sex

Sex is sweet on a soft mattress in a bed-sitter,

Where you vibrate slowly with a rhythmic push,

But sex is ten times sweeter,

When done deep inside the bush!

Bush sex is sweeter because the air is cold and fresh,

Making you to go for long without a break,

The cold breeze pushes you deeper into her warm flesh,

And it gets sweeter especially when you are not interrupted by a venomous snake!

Not only is the green grass soft,

But it also tickles,

And as the climax transports you aloft,

Your release becomes epic as the girl giggles!

Or you can place her on a soft mound of sand,

Her vagina raised and her back placed on a log,

And as your penis swell and expand,

You release on her rapidly before you are chased by a warthog!

(image/www.redbookmag.com)