An Application letter (for the post of a husband)

Jackson Ouma Agwanda,

P.O.Box, 35556

Ugunja.

October 24^th, 1982

Agnes Adhiambo,

P.0.Box 112233,

Sondu.

RE: Application for the post of your husband

Good morning. How are you doing today? I hope this letter finds you in perfectly good health. If you care to know how I am doing, I would not hesitate to inform you straight away that I am not doing well. I am sick. I contracted this disease of the heart that torments all who have reached marriageable age.

This illness going by the name love has given me sleepless nights. It started the day I first saw you in Kibuye market in Kisumu town. Since then, I have not been able to sleep and eat well. I have not been able to erase your image from the canvas of my heart. I think about you all the time. I think about your round, white, dreamy eyes. I think about your long, fleshy legs. I think about your hard breasts. I think about your mouth and the shape of your nose. I think about your buttocks the whole night. Sometimes, I am lost in deep thoughts of you that I pay little or no attention to those around me.

Sometimes I find myself wondering on a lonely path, like a lost sheep, with my head full of imaginations. I imagine that we are taking a romantic stroll towards the river bank while holding hands. I imagine that we are lost in the woods, playing hide and seek. I imagine that you are giving me a tight hug. I close my eyes and imagine that you are kissing me and I find myself smiling, albeit sheepishly. People who meet with me along the way look at me strangely. They have started calling me a madman. They say,”Wuod Agwanda cha to chal ni wiye olokre. Onyiero to awuoyo kende.” (Seems the son of Agwanda is going mad. He laughs and speaks to himself.)

Agnes, I am sick and I know you are my medicine. It is for this reason that I am writing this letter to apply for the post of your husband. Marry me so that I can heal. Be my wife so that I can put a stop to all these hallucinations. Be my wife so that I can stop wetting my bed sheet every night. Be my wife so that I can become normal again. I want to be the father of your children.

Aggy, I know you must be having a thousand or more suitors. But I am confident in myself that I deserve to be the one to marry you. I am a hardworking man. I wake up early in the morning and once I lift up that hoe, I only put it down when it is mid-day. I will provide for you and no any day will you and our children sleep hungry. I will build a good shelter for us and none of our children and livestock will sleep in the cold.

I have a strong, healthy body. I will hold you in my arms and give you warmth. I caress you and make sure that you are ripe all the time. Also, I am well endowed. I have a long manhood which will ensure your sexual satisfaction is maintained at an optimum level. When you have me as your husband, you will not even bother to look at other men because you will know that there’s nothing more than they can offer you.

I will protect you all the time. No man or animal shall harm you. I promise to be there for you. When you are sick and when you are healthy. When you are moody and when you are jubilant.  When you are going and when you are coming back. When things look up and when all hopes are gone. I promise to love you and only you.

If I were to write down all that I will do for you and for the sake of our love and marriage, I will require a million more foolscaps. So it is with lots of regrets that I will have to stop here.

Please find enclosed my curriculum vitae and other testimonials. Also, find a sum of Kshs 250. Use Kshs 100 to buy yourself something pretty and give Kshs 150 to your parents (soon to be in-laws). I am readily available for an interview at your convenient time and venue. I hope you will consider my application.

Thank you and much love.

Agwanda Ja-Ugenya.

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