Curriculum Vitae

Introduction

I am Ogwal Obwolo Abuoch,a son of Alego ‘tat yien’,Siaya Kababa,

My father,an assistant chief,died three years ago from an overdose of chang’aa which my mother brewed,

I have six brothers and four sisters,

All my sisters are married in Siaya and none of my brothers is married though they have fathered many children some of which we do not know where they are,

My mother,when she is not brewing chang’aa,she is serving in the church,’Roho Maler.’

Personal information

I do not have a driving license but I know how to ride a bicycle and a motorbike,

My first wife is a farmer,

She was recently diagnosed with tubular papilo vaginosis,

We do not know what that is so she usually takes paracetamol,

My second wife has suffered two miscarriages,

She thinks it is the first wife who is responsible for her miscarriages and so she blames her and I think she is right but there is nothing I can do because there is no evidence,

Apart from the last born who sometimes manages to score 230 marks out of the possible 500 marks,all my other four children are daft,

They have taken after their mother’s stupidity,

I have three boxers,all black in colour and one white vest,

I also own a drinking cap,

I wear it everyday because,as you can guess right,I drink every single day!

Educational background

I do not have so much to say here except that I dropped out of school in class eight second term,

It is around that time that I met and fell in love with my first wife and when she got pregnant we decided to drop out of school together,

My favourite subject was Christian Religious Education so I can work as a watchman because I know God will do the work for me,

They say if it isn’t for God’s protection, the night watchman labours in vain!

I have attended short courses on H.I.V/Aids and male circumcision at Achae Rach health center,

Of course I did not sign up for the circumcision surgery but they gave me a loaf of bread and a bottle of soda nonetheless,

I do not know how to operate a computer but I have seen one at Kogelo photocopy and printing shop,

I do not have a driving licence but I know how to ride a bicycle and a motorbike,

In Siaya we call it ‘peng’ but my buddy who came from Watamu last month after a failed attempt at hooking up with a rich white lady with hopes of going to Italy told me the Swahili people call it ‘Bajaji”

Hehe,does it not sound funny to you?

‘Haki watu wa Mombasa watua mimi na kichekeso!’

Work Experience

Let me make this crystal clear, I hate work,

In fact, I rarely work,

My two wives work and feed me so I have never seen the need to disturb myself with work,

But I have tried my hands on a few things to have my own money,

I used to slaughter cows during funerals and they pay me,

Sometimes they also contract me to dig children’s graves,

That I work slowly and whenever I am contracted to dig adult’s graves I rarely finish in time,

Sometimes I do not finish at all,

As of my strength, I know how to heckle and cause chaos and mayhem, In other words I am a hooligan for hire,

By the way I am also a thief,

I steal people’s wives but I do not marry them,

I just have a thing for someone else’s wife,

It gives me a feeling of accomplishment,

I think I inherited that behavior from my grandfather Owila,

He too used to steal people’s wives,

The only difference is that he never returned them,

He had a motto, ’Goods once stolen are not returnable.’

As for my weakness, I am a very impatient man,

I cannot wait to get paid or laid, whichever comes first,

If my money delays, money that I have worked hard for, I go berserk,

I do not know the meaning of that but I know it is not a good thing to experience,

I once killed because my money delayed for a day,

I also do not like idle things,

Whenever I see or encounter an idle thing, especially money, I pick it up and put it into good use,

I am a reformer!

Lastly, I do not need any reference!

I know more about me than anybody else!

Image credits: www.businesstech.co.za