The Sympathy Bill

Mr. Speaker sir,

Honorable members,

I stand here to introduce, for discussion, a bill which I call “Sympathy Bill,”

As a Member of Parliament representing Kodhier constituency for the third term,

I can attest to the fact that MPs go through a lot,

It is hard being an MP in this Country,

Apart from our families, we also have our constituents to feed,

It is from these ill-treatments that I propose this “sympathy Bill,”

This Bill seeks to sympathize with us and offer us reasonable salaries and other rewards which I will explain in details.

Mr. Speaker,

Despite the hard work we do, we are paid peanuts,

Kshs 580,000 basic salary plus Kshs 340,000 allowances comes to total of Kshs 920,000 per month,

What can Kshs 920,000 per month do to a person of our stature?

With this kind of salary, how long will it take us to buy our dream fleet of cars?

The car grant of Kshs 5 Million that we are given after every five years cannot enable us to buy cars of our dreams,

A good fuel guzzler goes for Kshs 30 Million,

Four of them comes to a total of Kshs 120 Million,

I therefore propose in the “Sympathy Bill” that our car grants be increased to Kshs 120 Million for each MP,

And salaries should be increased to Kshs 10 Million per month,

What difference will it make anyway?

Kenyans will burn tyres, throw stones and even smear themselves with blood from slaughtered pigs for a few weeks and then go back to their normal lives,

Those who consider themselves learned will write scathing articles on the newspapers and then what?

Has opinion article ever killed anyone of you?

Did our head of state not say that these newspapers are for wrapping meat?

 Mr. Speaker,

Honourable members,

Last week, we increased our pension by 700 per cent,

Now those of us who will lose elections in future will go home with 18 Million each in retirement benefits,

This was a good attempt but I still do not agree with the proposed amount,

I am a Christian and in the book of Revelation Chapter 3, verse 16, and I quote,

“So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

The Bible does not want us to be lukewarm,

So about our salaries, rewards, pension and other allowances, we should either reduce them to as low as Kshs 120,000 per month, to the level of medical doctors and lecturers,

Or increase them to a figure which is not lukewarm,

I thus propose, in the “Sympathy Bill,” a pension of Kshs 1 Billion for each retired MP,

You all know how cold it can get when one is outside the government,

We need enough money to insulate our old bones from this cold.

Mr. Speaker sir,

MPs have been on the receiving end of many angry Kenyans for too long,

We have been called names,

Pigs, hyenas, thieves, among other head-swelling insults,

The media have portrayed us in the negative light since time immemorial,

Cartoonists and authors have mocked us in their works of art and writings respectively, for too long,

We are at the center of memes and stale jokes in social media,

When shall Kenyans ever sympathize with us?

Many of us have died without receiving even a drop of sympathy from Kenyans,

We are running out of time,

If no Kenyan will sympathize with us then it is time we self-sympathize,

I therefore urge all members to support this “Sympathy Bill,”

Let us clear the government coffers once and for all,

Let us see what will happen when the economy of Kenya goes down to its knees,

Sometimes it is better to clear the stock and start afresh.

(image credits: (photo/ www.businessdailyafrica.com) Casso's cartoon at Hii Chapta show.