Kimoda Escapades: Part 1.

Someone once quipped that if you have never attended GNLD or FORVER LIVING meetings then you have not tarmacked! I agreed with her totally but not after tarmacking took me to a certain high school in Ukambani to teach Physics for a two months contract. Their Physics teacher, apparently, had disappeared without notice when KCSE was around the corner and so they wanted someone to assist in arranging for practicals during KCSE exams.Rumour had it that the teacher feared the embarrassment that awaited him as he did not know what a connecting wire is nor had he seen a voltmeter! I will not mention the name of the school. I do not have Millions of Shillings to pay for defamatory charges in case someone will see it fit to sue my broke ass.For the sake of this article, allow me to call it KIMODA MIXED SECONDARY SCHOOL, or KIMODA in short. How did I even find myself in Kimoda?

I was just strolling in a certain urban Centre in Ukambani when I saw a notice plastered on the stem of an electricity pole. I moved closer and read the advertisement:

‘’KIMODA MIXED SECONDARY SCHOOL

Is looking for teachers with the following combinations to start work immediately,

Maths/Chem

Maths/Phyc

Eng/Lit

Bio/Chem

Call 0378129034’’

I could have called the number immediately but my airtime balance was reading Kshs 0.02.I could have topped up because I had a Kshs 20 coin in my pocket but you see, Safaricom would have deducted their money and my balance would still remain Kshs 0.02.I had Okoad Jahazi of Kshs 50 (Safaricom only gave me Kshs 45) and they have been reminding me to pay for the past two weeks! When I kept quiet and never answered them, they started threatening me.Oh sijui they will block my line or they will enlist me with Credit Bureau as a National loan defaulter and that no financial institution will ever give me a loan! I still did not respond. They even resorted to threatening me with arrest warrants but I remained adamant. ’Can’t pay, won’t pay’’ was my mantra! I even started avoiding strange calls because I did not want to risk. Maybe it could be a GSU officer, a Safaricom lawyer or even a RECCE squad commander! At that point I had to be extremely alert. Anything could happen!

I had to wait for my sponsor to bail me out. My sponsor was the guy who was responsible for my feeding and accommodation in Ukambani as I tarmack.Every job seeker living in any urban Centre has someone like that. When he finally arrived in the house at around 11pm, I asked him to send me some airtime as there was an important call that I wanted to make first thing tomorrow morning. Being philanthropic enough, he transferred Kshs 20 to my line. This one Safaricom swallowed in one gulp (for those who drink chang’aa we call this kind of swallowing ‘’flash’’) and my balance remained Kshs 0.02.With my Kshs 20 coin, I had bought Bamba 20 card.I scratched it carefully and fed the digits with utmost keenness! (I once had a worst experience scratching these cards. I was a bit rough with a particular one and I accidentally erased two digits. I had to spend three working days trying 2 billion combinations in vain. Finally, I had to give up and hide the Bamba 10 card under the bed to try another day).Anyway, this too Safaricom swallowed without mercy, like that village dog which look at you with pleading eyes and after throwing for it a bone, it swallows it very first and then look at you again, like you never gave it anything! My balance still indicated Kshs 0.02 and Safaricom still had the audacity to remind me to pay the remaining Kshs 10 towards my Okoa Jahazi loan.

The next morning, my sponsor left for me Khs 100.This was to buy 25 Jerricans of water, one chapatti for breakfast, a piece of bar soap,Sukumawiki and an egg for lunch, a packet of salt, a quarter litre of mafuta taa,boiled beans for supper, onions and tomatoes. Apart of this money was also to be used to pay debt at ‘Fast and Furious’’ shop located on the ground floor. I was to use a small section of this money as my fare to town to pick a parcel for my sponsor. The balance was to be kept as a security in any case he might go and come empty handed in the evening. After six hours of drafting a workable and fitting budget, I managed to squeeze Kshs 15 out of this Kshs 100 to buy airtime!

With my Safaricom loan settled, I climbed to the top of the building where we hang clothes to make my important phone call. The person on the other side, after listening to me filing my petition, from when I was first admitted to St.Peter nursery school in Ahero,wearing a blue uniform to scoring grade A in Physics in Aywayo Yip mixed day, boarding community school for adult learning and hearing impaired persons to graduating with second class honors with 61.2227 aggregate points, just cut me short to ask where I am! Imagine! After all that! And I still had my work experience and other evidences to table. Like how I have worked as a salesman hawking boiled eggs in Kisumu bus stage, selling roasted maize in Eldoret using divide and rule method (where one roasted maize cob is divided into tiny sections for those who could not afford the whole cob) to vending newspapers in Nairobi.

I stammered and finally managed to inform him that I was on top of a certain building. Before he said anything, I added that the place where I was is where we hang clothes to dry and that I had chosen that strategic place because it had clear signals! ‘’Are you getting my voice loud and clear?’’ I asked him. He did not answer. ’By the way, I am also a singer! I can sing any song. In fact, I can sing for you right now! Which song would you like me to sing for you? That new one of Ken Wa Maria?’’ He did not answer again.

When he spoke again, he just asked whether I could make it to Kimoda before 4pm that same day! I answered ‘’Yes.’’ I wanted to ask him whether I should carry along my certificates ( I have certificate from Nursery school, Primaryschool, secondary school,University,certificate of good conduct from Central police station, certificate from Kenya bureau of standards, birth and death certificates, certificate from HELB indicating my loan balance has tripled due to non-compliance, a certificate I got from Miruge herbs after attending a short course on how to kill bedbugs using the roots of Nymph tree, certificate of participating in Eating competition during First Lady’s Elgeyo-Marakwet half marathon, certificatefrom KRA showing that I am exempted from paying taxes, certificate I got when I became second last in Mr. Kenya beauty contest and certificate indicating that I was once a member of Kenya Red cross society) but Safaricom could not allow me.They abruptly cut off my connection and sent me an SMS to inform me that my airtime balance has returned to its original and seemingly permanent position of Kshs 0.02.I tried to request for another Okoa jahazi loan but they delightfully denied me, saying I am not eligible for a loan and that I should try again in 2038!

I ran back to the house and retrieved my drafted budget from under the pillow. I had a lot of adjustments to make. After another two hours of plotting a graph of liabilities against assets and calculating the gradient, I squeezed another Kshs 24 from the original lump sum of Kshs 100 and used it as my ‘fare’’ to Kimoda.The fare is in quotes because in real sense, I walked all the way to Kimoda using the Kshs 24 to purchase roasted maize, taking advantage of the divide and rule method discussed up there. It is this roasted maize that kept me company along the way! 

At 4.40pm,just a little 40 minutes late, I arrived in Kimoda with a tie which, on face value, appeared as a normal tie made from cotton but which when viewed from a critical angle actually had more sisal material in it than cotton. If I were to teach you Genetics, I would say that in this intercourse of cotton and sisal in my tie, sisal had dominant genes while cotton had recessive genes but lectures about Genetics should be scheduled for another day, shouldn’t it? Critical angle is a vocabulary I learnt during our high school Physics lesson. I was ready to pump this same vocabulary into the heads of my would be students!  That is, if I would pass this interview. Wish me luck!